I'm miserable

I know its common to feel depressed when you've gone through a major illness but I was not prepared for this. I'm a mess. I'm beyond miserable. I have absolutely nothing I'm happy about right now. I'm done. Its been 2 weeks and 2 days since my surgery and I feel like I'm at day 1. I'm just as swollen and in pain as I was on day 3, getting out of the hospital. I originally thought and planned to be back at work by now. That day has come and gone and not happened. I had planned to be driving myself by now. Nope. Still can barely walk a straight line. I am so dizzy that just re-positioning in bed makes the room spin. Its not the pain meds either. My doc kept saying that because of the pain meds once I'm off them I'll stop being dizzy but I know that's not the case. I've been on pain meds a lot in the past years of many surgeries and injuries and I know how my body is with them. Its not the meds. Its my head. I'm miserable. I don't know how many times a day I say those two words but it sums up my life right now. I hate this. Every other blogger out there who's blogged their way through this surgery has been in a much better place than I am right now at 2 weeks. They've said they didn't regret the surgery, they've said their swelling was practically gone. Not me. I'm miserable. Eating just a cup of mashed potatoes makes me even more swollen so the next day I have to revert to only liquids. I'm sick of Slimfast and Boost shakes. I'm sick of the taste of blood in my mouth. I want cheese fries dammit! I haven't lost a single pound in over a week either. Of course my body is the exception. I knew it would be. I went into this surgery thinking the one positive thing would be the weight loss of "30-40 pounds". But of course I only lose weight when I'm pregnant so I knew that wouldn't be the case with me. Once I started eating more than 400 calories a day I started either gaining or maintaining. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled I lost 16 pounds that first week, but that was only while I was literally starving myself and shitting out the very little amount I had in me. I barely get 1000 calories -half of what I use to get in a day - and I still gain. Ridiculous! I'm bored to death. I have zero ability to do anything around the house and this place is a freaking hell hole. The dishes haven't been done in weeks, there's clothes everywhere and dirty diapers all over the place. C is ornery every day because he's done everything for weeks but I can't do anything to help. Every time I start to do something my nose bleeds. I can't stand up very long as I get too dizzy. There are flies everywhere. It's disgusting. We have fly-strips hanging from the ceiling in 3 of the 5 rooms upstairs that are full of dead flies but yet there's still tons more. I know its because of the dishes and trash but I can't do anything about it. Living in this makes me sicker and more depressed. I'm snapping at everyone while at the same time trying to be a buffer between C and the kids because he's so short with them. I understand why he's angry, but it doesn't help or make things any easier. On top of all this I'm dealing with my company short term disability people who have still not approved my LOA pay. Its only 60% and will barely make a dent in the bills but its better than nothing. Today was payday as well. It was my paycheck with only 2 days of work and one week of time off pay with the remaining week unpaid. Half a paycheck does not pay the bills. I'm looking at my bill spreadsheet and wondering to myself what can be late and what really has to be paid with the small amount I have. Then I realize we also need food, the boys need haircuts and this half a paycheck somehow has to last us an entire month. I have to admit I have thought about ending it all. Not today but early on in the shitty hell ride. Today I just cry. I'm done. I'm pissed off and sad. I hate everything and I just want my house cleaned, my face to not be swollen, to be able to chew without pain, my bills to be paid, food in the fridge and money in the bank. Right now I'm home alone with just K. Thankfully he's an independent 6 year old that watches tv upstairs by himself and gets himself otter pops and drinks while I sit in my room and cry. How horrible a mother am I right now? My mom has little C thank goodness and C won't be home for 2 more hours. I have a nail appointment tonight which I really shouldn't go to since I don't have the money but I really need to get out of the house and get some mani-therapy. Shit, I'll just charge it. I know that makes me a shitty human being, wife and mother but screw it. I'm done.

No more pill crushing

Today I made progress. I passed a milestone. No More Pill Crushing! I swallowed my first pill all by myself today.  It was difficult and I almost gagged myself but I did it. This is going to make things so much easier. I just have to shove the pill through the tiny opening in my teeth and push it back to my throat with my tongue and then sip my drink as fast as I can but I did it!! Taking my normal daily pills has just become easier! Yippee! Now I can go back to taking them all as usual. I was only taking the 'absolutely necessary to live' ones because they were so nasty to crush and then put in a syringe full of flavoring and squirt in my mouth. Much better. Awww. Its the small things that I've missed. <3